hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
