If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
