I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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