I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
