My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
