It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
