I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
