When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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