I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
