I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
