We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
