WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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