Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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