I think my fart just growled at me.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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