I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
