My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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