we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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