I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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