I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
