You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
