Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
