You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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