If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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