You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
