apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
accomplished twins. life is a go
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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