I'm laying in your front yard are you home
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
