god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
