I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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