On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
