she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
