Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
