I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
