ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
