god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why is your signature on my underwear?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
