what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
