how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
