he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
