my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
are you so shy because you have an std?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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