4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
