batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
not ubering you a puppy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
