I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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