I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
