You can't motorboat a personality
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
