I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
