dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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