In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
