ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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