Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
