Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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