That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
